Assertiveness...is often misunderstood. I’ve seen bullying mistaken for assertiveness and I’ve seen some very assertive behaviour done in a very quiet yet powerful way.

It isn’t attacking.

It’s not the Harvey Smith approach, along the lines of, “Thi’re a pig.”

Even if you’re of the opinion that the other person is indeed a pig, to attack someone in this way in fact lets them off the hook. You’re now arguing the toss as to your opinion.

It isn’t Defending

Metaphorically, wandering the world, “with your dukes up,” like a boxer, ready and prepared for an attack, or being waspish, sharp and reactionary, insisting on the last word, mean, never trusting and always having to be on your guard.

In fact, such behaviour is based on the premise that you are, in reality, quite vulnerable. It is really a very restricting and restrictive way of dealing with life’s problems.

It isn’t apologising

When someone stands on your foot and you say, “Sorry,” both literally and metaphorically. When you seem to be constantly apologising for being………

It is often an attempt to ward off further injustice.

Assertiveness is Flexible

Proclaiming, “I have the right to own and express whatever feelings I wish.”

However, There are two provisos …………

1. Assertiveness is mutual …………

i.e. everyone else in the world also has the right to own and express whatever feelings they wish, even about you.

2. The intention has to be pure………

I.e. It isn’t a weapon to clout someone with. The intention behind any expression, must be a desire that the expressor (you) will, after expressing, get along in the world a little better with the expressee (your boss, spouse, child or colleague).

As long as the intention is pure, the outcome will be unknowable. The effect on the other person is their responsibility. If you have hurt them in some way, then they have the responsibility to say what it was that they found hurtful. Many hurtful things have been said by thoughtfulness or even by having the best of intentions. You remain open to listen, learn, adapt and when necessary, apologise. You are responsible for the motive and intention behind what you say.

If you get “hooked,” by messages, either verbal or non-verbal, such as,” You made me sad, mad or whatever,” you’re already on a manipulative roundabout. Forget this point and you leave yourself exposed to manipulation and guilt.