Effective Communication....

Communicating effectively...

we’re born into a social world, so we’re communicating from the moment we’re born, receiving feedback on that communication and adjusting as we go. So, changing what we do in order to communicate more effectively is often about unlearning lessons that we developed long ago.

There’s a lot to communication that would be missed by a computer or an observer from Mars. What you say, what you think you’ve said, and why you’ve chosen that way to say it, are all extremely subtle in the way they effect what is communicated.

Consider the wife of the guy who says he’ll be home at 5.30, and frequently gets stuck in the pub or the office till 8.30. She says, when he walks in, ”You’re a really inconsiderate pig, staying at the pub/office till this time. You just don’t care ……. If you’d be considerate just once ….. anyway your dinner’s in the oven ……… burnt to a crisp.”

What she could have said is, ”When you don’t phone to let me know you’ll be late I feel really hurt and angry If you’d only phoned to let me know, I could have gone round to so and so’s.

OK, what’s the second version got that the first one hasn’t. The first response certainly sounds like she’s assertively getting her feelings off her chest. I’ll explain.

The “formula,” to get across what you want to communicate is to include

The word or deed to which you object.

“You’re really inconsiderate,” is a judgement not a deed.

“Not phoning ……” is a deed.

What emotion did you feel?

“Feel you just don’t care.” Sounds like an emotion but is in fact a belief about him.

“ ………. hurt and angry,” specifies just what you feel.

“If you’d be considerate, just once.” Literally asks him to be considerate, “just once.”

“….’phone and let me know,” specifies the desired behaviour.

OK, this sounds so obvious and pedestrian but read on. Whether she’d have blown her top or given a display of cold anger such as kept watching the TV and said,” Your dinner’s in the dog.” As long as his specific behaviour goes unremarked, he’s off the hook. He can feel justified to himself for staying at the pub/office because of her, "bad mood.”

He could argue all night about whether he cares or not. In fact, he would probably switch the argument as to whether or not she cared. What he can’t argue about is his ability to phone home, and his CHOOSING not to do so.

· By being specific about what the other person said, or did that offended you, you focus on just that.

· By being specific about what you feel about what’s been said or done, they can’t pretend they never knew. If the word or deed is repeated, it’s done in the full knowledge that it hurts you.

· By being specific about what alternative behaviour you would prefer, you give the other person a way out. They can explain or negotiate and put forward alternatives which may be acceptable to you both.

NB

One unspoken reason for NOT adopting this approach is that …… suppose you’ve gone through all this formula routine and the other person still CHOOSES to change nothing, now knowing that it causes you anger, pain, distress etc.

Do you get back in line and stop making these demands?

Or do you carry on and risk exposing the fact that the other person really doesn’t care.

What DO you do?

Some people feel they can’t take that risk.