Lamb Chops and Cream Buns

A woman goes to the butcher’s and asks for two lamb chops. She points to the ones she wants and the butcher picks two out – bigger than the ones she wants, puts them on the scale and says such and such a price “Alright?”

She says “Fine.” Buys a few other bits and pieces. Comes home with the chops and resolves to go to a different butcher’s in future.

Across town a different woman asks the butcher for two lamb chops. She points to the ones she wants and the butcher picks two out – bigger than the ones she wants, puts them on the scale and says such and such a price “Alright?”

She says, “No they’re far too big, I’ll have those two at the front.”

“That’s such and such a price,” says the butcher.

“That’s fine,” says the woman. “Have you got any Cumberland sausage?” Continues with her shopping, comes home and never gives the butcher another thought till the next time she goes shopping.

What’s all that about?

There used to be an advert on TV where there’s a sponge bun next to a cream bun.

The first voice says “After you”

The second voice says, “No, after you.”

A hand comes down towards the sponge bun, then moves towards the cream bun and picks it up.

The second voice says, “If I’d have gone first, I’d have picked the sponge bun.”

The first voice says, “Oh that’s alright then.”

I suspect that for some people, getting pissed off for not getting what you didn’t ask for is almost a full-time occupation.

The second woman who got the chops, would find it difficult to appreciate the first woman’s problem. She would fail to understand why the first woman saw the responsibility for her coming home with the wrong chops as the butcher’s. The woman with the too big chops would think to herself that the butcher has somehow cheated her into spending more money on the larger chops.

The chap who wound up with the sponge bun also felt cheated out of the cream bun, because the other chap hadn’t followed convention and left him the more desirable bun. He could have been bolder and gone for the cream bun himself – what stopped him?

The first woman could have been bolder and gone home with the chops she wanted – what stopped her?

In a word – fear. Somewhere along the line these two people feared the possible negative judgement of others.

What if the butcher thought that she couldn’t afford the larger chops? What if he thought her a bit too fussy and demanding?

What if the chap that got the sponge bun had gone for the cream bun and the other chap, despite insisting he have first pick, thought he was rather selfish in going for the better bun?

Where on earth did these people learn to be so fearful and the others learn to have no fear?

When did they learn to live in fear like this?

I can’t believe they took up living in fear as a hobby last week. If asked, they’d claim that they’d always been like that.

At school, when the teacher was asking the class and the prospective chops woman and bun man knew the answer was 36 – and no one was putting their hand up, neither were they. Eventually someone, asked directly by the teacher, volunteers “39 sir.”

“Nonsense” says the teacher. Eventually someone guesses 36 and those who will go on the eat sponge buns and large chops, feel pretty chuffed with themselves, that they knew the answer.

You might assume that a few instances like this and they’d change their style and start putting their hand up. This hardly ever happens.

Their fear and consequent caution remain in place.

Since they weren’t born fearful, what are the likely circumstances in which they adapt to the world in this way? Perhaps we’ll explore those possibilities in a separate piece.

Most often I hear a genetic explanation – I think that doesn’t make sense. Within the same family you can have two children with extremely contrasting personalities – one bold, one timid. But the dynamic for each individual child is specific to them.

My hunch is that it is a learned thing and related to the dynamics within the family when the child is very young.

Can it be addressed – I believe so.

I believe that once these choices are exposed as deriving from fear, then they become increasingly seen as choices. The upside of choosing is that you can learn from the choice you made and next time stay with the same choice (for now) or make a different one. But it is now your choice.

The reason you’re now eating a big chop or a sponge bun is because you chose to do so..